Brothers and Sisters Following Andrew Selous’ decision to invoke Jesus’ teachings in the equal marriage consultation debate on Tuesday I decided to contemplate the Holy book for advice on what to do with regards to the rather contemptuous concept of ‘ Equal Marriage’ – here follows my missive.

Nothing short of Damnation is upon us. The Gays are glamming up for fashionable weddings and the Church of England must not be seen to wear such gaudy merriment, especially if the cloth be woven of mingled linen and wool [Leviticus 19:19]

As Brother Bone has mentioned time and again, Marriage is sacred and cannot be re-defined. No state could do so. Not the Romans. Not the Orthodox Church. Not the Catholic Church. Not Henry – Six Wives – Tudor. Not the Marriage Act 1753, or 1836, or 1949 or the 25 Matrimonial Causes Acts which have set out the rights to divorce and re-marry.

No, these institutions, innovations and legislations have never changed the meaning, scope, eligibility or right to marry and my support for them is in no way inconsistent.

Marriage is between a man and a woman. Others cannot lie together as Husband and Wife, for that is detestable in the eyes of the lord. [Leviticus 18:22]  They shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven [1 Corinthians 6:9-10] or the Charlton Club.

It is a great shame that gay sex isn’t punishable by death as Holy Scripture demands [Leviticus 20:13] but indeed rewarded by our godless, save for Bishops, Parliament. Yet the Con-dem Coalition government seek to further heap upon accursed blasphemy by allowing these gays to marry.

It all went downhill with the Divorce laws. The bible is very clear, no woman or man may divorce once committed [1 Corinthians 7:10] and our Holy Church has maintained the demands of our most sacred book in ensuring that her Bishops are only ever married once [1 Timothy 3:2] – I don’t understand the Catholic insistence that Bishops be unstained by marriage but we, god fearing Englishmen, can thankfully read.

Of course, the Churches decision in February 2011 to allow Bishops to be ordained even if they are divorced is an error soon rectified or else our opposition to Gay Marriage and Female Bishops based on a lack of support in scripture would be totally undermined, heaven forbid.

I saw a very helpful guide from the good people at Anglican Mainstream. It is full of useful information, did you know that ‘unlike the vaginal lining, the rectal lining is unable to withstand penetrative activity without medical damage’?

Not only are Gay men and women unable to consummate a marriage but it‘ll also hurt in the process. I put this unanswerable fact to one of those ghastly Lib Dem press officers who said ‘Bugger me’ – I declined his invitation.

By far the clinching argument, apart from it being ‘legal fiction’ is the argument that the whole notion of ‘equality is a ‘questionable notion’ God never actually said all men are created equal, I believe that was some silly rebel idea by some upstart American terrorists. Equal rights? Tosh.

It is a simple fact that not all men are created equal. Otherwise God wouldn’t pick sides and made us his chosen people! Bring back Slavery! As the New Testament testifies Slaves should obey their masters as if he were Christ himself [Ephesians 6:5-8] that’s what I instruct my butler anyway.

Indeed, some people are inferior. Don’t marry a Canaanine woman, the bible commands (Genesis 28:1) I think they’re from the new world or something, I digress but there is so much in my copy of the bible about that wonderful continent.

Reading detail, however, causes me to warn you fine gentlemen not to have an affair. Apparently it’s against Jesus’ teachings, even if you do get divorced (Mark 10:11) and is punishable by stoning [Deuteronomy 22:21] Sounds painful, and I’m grateful the EUSSR banned that one in their damnable Human Rights Convention.

This is a Christian Country. Only a faithful few actually go to Church, but, on reflection, this is difficult. I don’t know how many of you have actually read the bible but at one point it says that rapists should pay their victims father in silver then marry them, which seems a retrograde step. [Deuteronomy 22:28–29] it also advises that to prevent a mob seeking justice I ought to give them two virgin daughters [Genesis 19:6-8] This doesn’t sit well with me.

I’m confused. Should I love my Neighbour? [Mark 12:31]  What if he is Gay and determined to be as miserably married as I?

I don’t know, this is all too convoluted and these stories from 2000 years ago, though entirely relevant to the modern day, aren’t helping. So, perhaps we should leave it all in God’s hands or allow people to make up their own mind? Marry them all! God will recognise his own.